Sometimes You Find Out About The Abuse And The Cheating At The Same Time 09/03/2018 I knew about the CSA several years before I knew about the cheating. I’m not sure it helps. Being cheated on hurts like hell. I wish it on no one. What I didn’t know is the correlation between CSA and cheating. A friend studying to be the practicing psychologist he is now, told me. The problem with finding out about both at the same time is that you have two very different, but now related, things to work through. Pace yourself. I recommend learning the basics about CSA
I knew about the CSA several years before I knew about the cheating. I’m not sure it helps. Being cheated on hurts like hell. I wish it on no one. What I didn’t know is the correlation between CSA and cheating. A friend studying to be the practicing psychologist he is now, told me. The problem with finding out about both at the same time is that you have two very different, but now related, things to work through. Pace yourself. I recommend learning the basics about CSA
Why does he cheat? 09/03/2018 This is no definitive list of causes. No such list exists. There are too many factors and variables. There is also a pretty good chance you won’t know why he cheated because he isn’t even sure. You will sit with that discomfort forever. Here is what you need to know according to Spiegel. Infidelity is common if not rampant. Shame is deeply interwoven into sex
This is no definitive list of causes. No such list exists. There are too many factors and variables. There is also a pretty good chance you won’t know why he cheated because he isn’t even sure. You will sit with that discomfort forever. Here is what you need to know according to Spiegel. Infidelity is common if not rampant. Shame is deeply interwoven into sex
Be careful which books you read on infidelity 09/03/2018 There are a lot of books about infidelity. Don’t read them without reading this first. Infidelity born out of childhood sexual abuse is a different, more complicated animal than the plain old stepping out on your spouse stuff you read in novels or see in movies. Some books don’t make that distinction. There is a particular genre of books that I am going to malign here that will either assure my place in or outside of heaven depending on who is actually in charge of admission at the pearly
There are a lot of books about infidelity. Don’t read them without reading this first. Infidelity born out of childhood sexual abuse is a different, more complicated animal than the plain old stepping out on your spouse stuff you read in novels or see in movies. Some books don’t make that distinction. There is a particular genre of books that I am going to malign here that will either assure my place in or outside of heaven depending on who is actually in charge of admission at the pearly
He Lies 09/03/2018 Infidelity is crushing but the most destabilizing thing for me are the lies. One gentleman survivor in treatment kind enough to talk to me about it explained that for him it was the first skill he developed as a result of the abuse and it was the single hardest thing to give up (and that included a long history with drug and alcohol abuse). Lies are protective for him, destructive for you both. You cannot make good decisions without accurate information. During the healing process with my
Infidelity is crushing but the most destabilizing thing for me are the lies. One gentleman survivor in treatment kind enough to talk to me about it explained that for him it was the first skill he developed as a result of the abuse and it was the single hardest thing to give up (and that included a long history with drug and alcohol abuse). Lies are protective for him, destructive for you both. You cannot make good decisions without accurate information. During the healing process with my
3 Things To Have In Place If You Decide To Stay With Him 09/03/2018 If you are staying (for now), there may be some things you need to put in place to help you feel safe(r). Financial—do you have your own accounts? If not, you may want to get one. I am not a lawyer, but shared accounts are joint property and should you decide to leave at a later date, that could be an additional headache, depending on your financial circumstances. Sexual—Until trust is restored, maybe condoms are in order. It’s an awkward conversation to have with a spouse of some years, but
If you are staying (for now), there may be some things you need to put in place to help you feel safe(r). Financial—do you have your own accounts? If not, you may want to get one. I am not a lawyer, but shared accounts are joint property and should you decide to leave at a later date, that could be an additional headache, depending on your financial circumstances. Sexual—Until trust is restored, maybe condoms are in order. It’s an awkward conversation to have with a spouse of some years, but
Should I stay or should I go? 09/03/2018 Don’t you wish I could answer that for you? Some of us stay and some of us go. Your situation is specific to you and what you can, will and should tolerate is up to you. If you are leaving, there are legal precautions you should take. I’m not a lawyer so check with one, but a separation agreement can make a messy situation less so. You can find sample separation agreements here. If you are staying, at least for now, there are still some things you may want to put in writing, even though it
Don’t you wish I could answer that for you? Some of us stay and some of us go. Your situation is specific to you and what you can, will and should tolerate is up to you. If you are leaving, there are legal precautions you should take. I’m not a lawyer so check with one, but a separation agreement can make a messy situation less so. You can find sample separation agreements here. If you are staying, at least for now, there are still some things you may want to put in writing, even though it
Topics 09/03/2018 Topics addressed here Addictions pornography sex drugs and alcohol work exercise Anger Co-dependency Deception/Lying Definitions Infidelity Therapy How to find a therapist who works with CSA Types of therapists Same Sex Attraction Self-care Separations/Divorce Trauma informed work Triggering Support Groups Family Friends
Topics addressed here Addictions pornography sex drugs and alcohol work exercise Anger Co-dependency Deception/Lying Definitions Infidelity Therapy How to find a therapist who works with CSA Types of therapists Same Sex Attraction Self-care Separations/Divorce Trauma informed work Triggering Support Groups Family Friends
Why are you focusing on partners of male survivors of sexual abuse? 09/03/2015 Abuse is abuse, right? Short answer is ”yes.” Longer answer can be answered with an analogy. Eggs are eggs, right? Have you ever seen a recipe that calls for room temperature eggs? The room temperature egg responds differently than the straight-from-the-fridge egg. In part because of how men are socialized as boys, they internalize what happened to them differently. The shame shared by both boys and girls makes them respond in different ways. So many things are similar between the two, but
Abuse is abuse, right? Short answer is ”yes.” Longer answer can be answered with an analogy. Eggs are eggs, right? Have you ever seen a recipe that calls for room temperature eggs? The room temperature egg responds differently than the straight-from-the-fridge egg. In part because of how men are socialized as boys, they internalize what happened to them differently. The shame shared by both boys and girls makes them respond in different ways. So many things are similar between the two, but
Why Your Titles Should Be No Longer Than This 08/27/2015 When you're writing your next post, consider this: 80% of people will read your blog headline, but only 20% will stay for the rest. So, if headlines are 400% more important than what comes after them (where there’s already ever-increasing competition to attract eyes), you need to be more concise than ever to get attention. The Importance of Title Length A guide on the right length for your post titles If you want to keep your followers’ attention while conveying your brilliant wordplay, keep
When you're writing your next post, consider this: 80% of people will read your blog headline, but only 20% will stay for the rest. So, if headlines are 400% more important than what comes after them (where there’s already ever-increasing competition to attract eyes), you need to be more concise than ever to get attention. The Importance of Title Length A guide on the right length for your post titles If you want to keep your followers’ attention while conveying your brilliant wordplay, keep
